CHAPTER 9: PREJUDICE-FREE CONSCIOUSNESS
Ravi Meets Jasmine
From kindergarten Ravi, Kennard and Jin had been best friends. They lived in an upscale suburb of Richmond, Virginia, where different ethnic groups were the norm and many cultures coexisted. There was nothing unusual about a boy whose parents came from South India palling around with an African American and a Chinese American. The children didn’t give their racial differences much thought. About the most pressing issue confronting them was how Kennard got such a funny name. It turns out he was named after two respected uncles, Kenneth and Bernard. His mother put the two names together to honor her brothers.§
One day, Ravi’s Uncle Shankar was visiting from India. He was noticeably alarmed when he saw the trio playing in the back yard. “Is that a black boy?” he whispered to Ravi’s dad, his younger brother.§
“Yes, and he comes from a good family.”§
“And the other is Chinese? I don’t trust those Chinese; they’re sneaky!”§
“Oh, what are you talking about? The boys are just ten years old. Don’t be such a bigot. We’re raising our children to not have prejudices toward others.”§
Uncle frowned. “Maybe so, but you watch out or Ravi will end up marrying one of their kind.”§
“I don’t think so. We’ve already talked to Ravi and explained how our tradition calls for an arranged marriage with a Hindu girl. We will find him a good wife from our village in India once he is established in a career.”§
“Let’s hope so. This is America, and you never know how kids are going to turn out.”§
Uncle visited at least once every few months. He rarely had anything nice to say about anyone. Latinos, blacks, Vietnamese, whatever—he always had a criticism, even if he had never known a single person from the ethic group. He didn’t even like Tamil people if they were not brahmins. Like many in India, he still considered caste important.§
Ravi shook his head whenever he heard this kind of talk, and he worried what would happen if he decided against an arranged marriage. Uncle was unlikely to approve. Ravi was a devout Hindu and knew his parents’ expectations—that he marry a Hindu girl they would find in Tamil Nadu, one who had a compatible astrological chart, spoke good Tamil, cooked South Indian food and knew “how to behave” in a Tamil home. But he believed them when they said that Uncle’s opinions were his own and they had come to accept all races of people.§
In a few more years Ravi was off to college for pre-law studies. He made many friends, joined a Hindu students group and managed to make it to a local temple on weekends at least once a month. When a club on campus offered free yoga classes, he decided to enroll, hoping it would help him deal with college stresses.§
Jasmine, the class instructor, was also a pre-law student at the university. She ran an intense yoga class, and Ravi had to work to get up to speed with the postures. He also took a liking to Jasmine, who was an African American. She knew yoga was part of Hinduism, and she wanted to learn more about it. §
“What’s this temple worship really about?” she asked Ravi after class.§
“The best way to find out is to go.”§
“I would love to. Is there anything I should know or do?”§
“You’ll want to dress right. Do you have any Indian clothes?§
“I’ve got a beautiful salwar kameez that should do. Anything else?”§
“Aside from the obvious, don’t eat non-vegetarian food that day and come with a prayer in mind.”§
“I’m already a vegetarian. Are you?”§
“Oh yes; have been all my life.” §
“I went veggie on my own at age 11. It gave my parents fits. But vegetarianism is catching on in America in general, and they finally adjusted.”§
Jasmine loved the temple, and she fit in easily. As the two spent more and more time together, she realized she was beginning to love Ravi. §
Months passed. One evening as they walked across campus, Ravi inquired, “What do you think about marriage?”§
“What do you mean, ‘What do I think about it?’ I think it’s a pretty serious undertaking for the rest of one’s life. I’m not one of those liberated women who think marriage is a temporary arrangement. I want someone who is going to be my best friend, someone who will always be there for me, someone who always has my back.”§
“That’s what I think, too. I see so many people here on campus skipping from one relationship to the next, never satisfied with anyone, and getting less and less happy as time goes on. That seems to be the trend in the world these days.” §
“It’s interesting that our beliefs are so alike!” replied Jasmine.§
Ravi was silent. §
“Would you like to meet my parents?” he asked. §
Jasmine knew the invitation meant Ravi was serious about her.§
“Do you think there’s going to be a problem with them, you know, over race?”§
“Probably. Do you think you can handle it?”§
“I don’t know,” she laughed. “I guess we’ll find out.”§
That first meeting went about as well as Ravi had expected. His parents managed to conceal their shock fairly well. §
Ravi saw Jasmine to her car after dinner. §
“How do you think it went?” she asked.§
“I’ll tell you in the morning,” Ravi replied with a smile as he walked back in the house. §
He expected his parents to be upset. He was not mistaken.§
“What is this?” Dad demanded, “I thought you had agreed to marry a Hindu girl.”§
“I did, and I will. Jasmine’s a yoga teacher, and I’ve taken her to the temple several times. She’s quite serious about adopting Hinduism.”§
“But we are going to find a Tamil girl for you in India!”§
“It’s a bit late for that, and it doesn’t always work so well for people of such different upbringing to marry.”§
Mom joined in emotionally, “But she won’t know how to cook, and she won’t speak our language. How will she talk to grandma and grandpa? And what about your children? They won’t be able to speak Tamil. This is terrible!” §
Mom ran into her room crying.§
“See what you’ve done!” Dad shouted, “You’ve upset your mother. I tell you, these American girls just don’t understand our culture. They are so selfish, and they don’t take marriage seriously. Mark my words, she will be wanting a divorce in a few years!”§
Ravi inhaled deeply. He knew this conversation was going to be tough, and he had told himself he would not raise his voice or become angry, no matter what. §
“I think you need to get to know Jasmine before jumping to radical conclusions. You always taught me to not judge people by their race. Maybe we can just give this some time.” §
The softness in Ravi’s voice calmed Dad down a bit. “Yes, I did say we can’t judge people by their race, and I meant it. And to have friends of other races is good, but to hear you intend to marry one, that is a bit of a shock. I will talk with Mom.”§
Dad and Mom soon met Jasmine’s parents and got along surprisingly well with them. Both were lawyers who had been happily married for almost 30 years. The two couples found they had a lot in common. Things started to look better for Ravi and Jasmine.§
Then Uncle Shankar came to visit.§
“Are you still seeing that black girl?” he demanded of Ravi.§
“Yes, Uncle. I am,” Ravi replied calmly.§
Uncle turned to Dad. “What? Haven’t you broken them up?” §
As the elder brother, he freely talked down to his younger sibling when he wanted to.§
“We’re giving them time,” replied Dad diplomatically. §
Uncle glared at Ravi while telling Dad, “Time won’t do it, you have to order him. And if this marriage happens, don’t bring that girl around the family in India! We won’t have her in our home!”§
“Why not?” asked Ravi, still remaining calm.§
“She can’t speak our language or cook our food.” Uncle was visibly upset.§
“That’s it, language and food? Doesn’t it matter to you that she is a religious person?”§
“We have lots of religious girls for you in India.”§
“But this is the one I found, right here in America. Why can’t you accept that? Are these external things more important than her soul?”§
Hearing this exchange, Dad realized that Ravi had a good point. “That is what we taught him,” he said to Uncle. “The divine soul lives in one body after another, in different races and cultures.”§
“Nonsense!” shouted Uncle.§
After Uncle left, Mom, Dad and Ravi sat around the kitchen table.§
“That was really pretty ugly,” shared Ravi. “I knew he didn’t like black people, but this was over the top.”§
“Yes, it was startling even to me,” Dad confided. “But Ravi, even though I like Jasmine, Uncle had a point about language, culture, way of life. And it’s not just that Jasmine is black. He would make the same objection if you wanted to marry a Gujarati girl. It’s seen as cutting yourself off from your heritage.”§
“Didn’t you and Mom do that already when you moved to America?” Ravi challenged.§
“What do you mean?”§
“Uncle seems to think I should be just like someone who was raised in India. But I wasn’t raised in India. I was born and raised here, as a good Hindu but with a different language and some different customs. Now I want to marry a girl from this culture, one who is a Hindu at heart, but not an Indian. It seems to me that perhaps this karma was set in motion when you and Mom came to this country.”§
“Hmmm. There’s some truth there.”§
Turning to Mom, Ravi asked, “What am I supposed to do? I love Jasmine. Am I to cut off the relationship and submit to an arranged marriage? How do you think that will make Jasmine feel? And how likely am I to ever have the same love for someone I don’t know? Please don’t make me choose between the family and Jasmine.”§
In a thoughtful moment of silence, Mom remembered how her mother-in-law had lovingly and patiently taught her as a new bride to cook the family recipes that Ravi’s dad liked. It would soon be her turn to take on the responsibility of passing on that knowledge to her future daughter-in-law. §
“Have Jasmine come over tomorrow. If she is willing, I can start teaching her how to cook Indian meals.”§
Jasmine arrived the next afternoon. Entering the kitchen, she greeted Mom, “Vanakkam, Amma.” §
Mom was charmed. After that, every time Jasmine visited she had learned a few more words. Mom began calling her “Malli,” which means Jasmine in Tamil. As they worked on dinner, Jasmine observed, “These recipes are not so difficult when one has a good teacher!”§
“Yes, and having the kitchen well-organized makes cooking easier. You are doing a great job with mixing the spices.”§
“I like the soft and soothing Indian music you play while we cook. I think those positive feelings go into the food.” §
“That’s so insightful of you. Music is one of the secrets we Tamil moms use to keep our families happy. I can teach you other methods that will never fail to cheer Ravi up.”§
Jasmine smiled, realizing that Mom was beginning to accept her.§
After dinner, they all adjourned to the living room to talk. Dad turned to Jasmine, “We love our son, and we love whomever our son loves. I would be misleading you if I claimed there would be no backlash from the family. I’m sure you’ve already heard from Ravi what Uncle Shankar thinks.”§
“I did, and it wasn’t unexpected. Inter-racial marriage is new territory for a lot of people. I have to admit that some of my relatives are upset, too, and for many of the same reasons!”§
“I suggest taking this slowly,” Dad continued. “I have taken the liberty to ask a family friend to create a marriage compatibility chart for the two of you.”§
Jasmine looked up. “So, that’s why you asked where and when I was born?”§
“Yes. I know that in this day and age in America no one puts much faith in astrology, but we Hindus still do because our system works, especially when it comes to marriages. In the case of you and Ravi, your charts shows a strong mutual attraction from a past life, but many obstacles to a happy marriage in this one.”§
“But if we know what the problems will be, can’t we avoid them?” asked Ravi.§
“Maybe, and we can discuss that more in the future. Even so, considering your mutual commitment and obvious love, Mom and I are happy to give our blessings.”§
“That’s so great! But what about Uncle and the rest of the family?”§
“Before the marriage we will have Jasmine as our guest in Kanchipuram where she can meet all the relatives. Once they get to know her, they will come around. As you pointed out, Ravi, we ourselves opened this possibility when we came to America and taught you to treat everyone the same, without prejudice. You will see, Jasmine, you’re going to have the finest Tamil wedding anyone has ever seen!”§
