CHAPTER 8: PARENTAL CLOSENESS
The Value of a Hug
Mom, I’m home!” shouted Raj as he pushed open the front door and he and two friends shook the Chicago snowstorm off their jackets.§
“Boots off in the hallway!”§
“Yes, Mom, we know!” Within minutes, Raj, Peter and Simon were in the kitchen where Mom had, as always, something hot for them to eat. She asked each how things went at school. After ten minutes, as soon as the snacks were finished, they headed for the front door.§
“We’re out of here!” yelled Raj.§
“Isn’t there a blizzard out there?”§
“No, Mom, it’s just snowing hard.”§
To Mom, any snow falling from the sky was a blizzard, just like the day she had arrived in Chicago from Chennai 15 years ago—the first time she had ever seen snow. She much preferred the year-round hot weather of tropical Tamil Nadu, but she had learned to cope with Chicago winters and the indoor lifestyle they dictated. §
Raj, on the other hand, didn’t just cope with winter, he loved it. Blizzard conditions were an opportunity for skating, snowball fights and the possibility that school might be canceled. §
“Where’s Raj?” asked Dad as he came shivering through the front door. §
“Out with friends.”§
“In this storm? Amazing. How many came with him today?”§
“Just two, Peter and Simon. Nice boys, but like all of Raj’s friends, both parents work full time and there’s no one home to greet them, much less give them snacks.”§
“They don’t come just for snacks—they need a bit of mothering, too. I know Peter’s parents. They often don’t get home until 8 or 9 at night. Do they think their children are supposed to raise themselves? I think we’re the after-school parents for more than a dozen children in this neighborhood!”§
Raj’s mother did not hold an outside job, even though she had a master’s degree in biology. She and Dad had decided it was more important to create a home for their four children, and that they could live just fine on Dad’s income. Dad arranged his work to spend as much time as possible with the family. He was home almost every evening and on weekends. The family ate dinner together every night and watched shows together on their single television set. They went to the temple on weekends. All six of them attended the morning worship and then had lunch in the temple cafeteria. True, Raj wasn’t always happy when this caused him to miss special events with his friends, but he did enjoy the temple.§
They took vacations together, traveling to Canada in the summers and to India every two years. Raj’s friend Peter, on the other hand, was dropped off with relatives when his parents vacationed in Las Vegas, gambling in casinos where children are not allowed. A whole week might go by when Peter did not see them. Once, he was left with his Dad’s secretary! On the other hand, by the time Raj was 16, he could hardly remember a day when his mother wasn’t home. The rare times she was gone, Grandma or one of his aunties had come to stay with the children. §
Right at 6:30, Raj flew in through the door from the garage after stowing his sled. §
“Just in time for dinner,” laughed Dad, giving Raj a big hug, even though he still had his snowy parka on. §
Dad hugged each of the children every evening, which mildly annoyed Raj and his brother. They were in their teens and taller than their father. Getting hugged made them feel like children—but perhaps that was the idea!§
Raj felt close to his father. He appreciated Dad’s kindness and fairness. If Raj or his brother did something wrong, he would talk to them sternly, and had grounded them both more than once. But he never got angry and was always just. Of course, there were disagreements from time to time, typical in families trying to straddle two cultures. But neither he nor their mother had ever hit or spanked the children. §
Raj sensed his family’s closeness was unusual. Most other families were distant or worse. But that fact never really sunk in until he went to college at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he majored in physics. It was a long way from home, but had one of the best physics departments in the country. Most undergraduates lived in on-campus dormitories. §
His first roommate, David, was an intelligent, athletic boy from New York. They hit it off immediately, and over the next few weeks got to talking about their families. §
“How are your parents?” asked Raj. “Mine are so strict!”§
“Which parents do you mean?” §
“Which parents? What do you mean? Last time I checked, everyone had two parents, one mother, one father.”§
“Well, I had two parents at the beginning, just like everyone else. I just wish it had stayed that way. They got divorced when I was ten.”§
“I’m sorry to hear that.”§
“The divorce was bad enough, but at least it put an end to three years of arguments. At first they tried to hide the fighting from me and my older sister Sarah. After a while, they didn’t bother. Every night, nothing but yelling and screaming. Sarah would cry herself to sleep. How about you? Didn’t your parents fight?”§
“Maybe, but never around us.”§
“Unbelievable. You have no idea how lucky you are. After the divorce, both my parents got remarried. Sarah and I went to live with our mother Jessica and her boyfriend Roger, who also had a daughter my age. Then Jessica and Roger got married and had two children of their own. Roger tried to be a dad to me, but his idea of setting me straight was to whack me on the side of the head whenever I did something he didn’t like—which was pretty much every day.”§
“I can’t imagine what that was like. My parents never hit me.”§
“Wow, you had a charmed childhood.”§
“You know, I didn’t really realize it until now.”§
“Soon Mom and Roger were fighting about the same things that she and Mark fought about.”§
“Who’s Mark?”§
“My dad, or rather, my biological father.”§
Raj was stunned. “You call your parents by their first names?”§
“How else am I supposed to keep them straight? Hear me out, dude, I ended up with another step-dad and two more step-moms before I split for college. If I had called them all ‘Dad’ or ‘Mom,’ no one would know who I was talking about. Plus, my real mom, Jessica, would feel hurt if she heard me call someone else ‘Mom.’ ”§
“Wasn’t there some advantage in having a lot of relatives? We Hindus have big extended families that stay really close. If I travel, I can stay with my parents’ relatives anywhere in India, and they treat me as their own son, even if we are only related by marriage. Shouldn’t you have, ummm, seven sets of grandparents? Doesn’t that pay off on your birthday?”§
“Except everyone takes sides in a divorce. Everybody ends up hating somebody else. It gets really ugly. I am only close with my biological grandparents. But tell me about your family. Where does your mom work?”§
“She has a degree, but she’s a stay-at-home mom, taking care of the four of us.”§
“Huh. You know, it used to be that way in this country. My grandmothers and great-grandmothers were all stay-at-home moms. But for a lot of reasons that changed, including a bad economy. Now I don’t know anyone whose mom stays home, and most of my friends’ parents are divorced. You have no idea how lucky you are.”§
“Actually, I do kind of know. Back in Chicago, all my friends would come over to my house after school. They said it was for the snacks my mom prepared, but I just realized it was actually to have someone to go home to. All their parents worked and came home late. But none of their lives was as messed up as yours—no offense.”§
“None taken. Your life sounds ideal. Must be some Hindu thing. I suppose your mom and dad had an arranged marriage, too!”§
Raj wasn’t sure if David was making fun of his parents, but he answered honestly. “Yes, in fact, they did.”§
“Maybe that’s the secret! Think you could fix me up with one of your sisters?”§
“Hmm, it doesn’t quite work like that. You will need to graduate first and get a good job. Then we’ll think about whether to even consider you or not!”§
They laughed and headed downstairs for dinner. Throughout the semester, Raj heard stories similar to David’s from more than a few other students. §
When winter vacation came, Raj couldn’t wait to get home. His parents met him at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Raj ran and gave each one a big hug. §
“What’s this?” joked Dad. “They taught you hugging at MIT? They’re supposed to teach you to be a scientist!”§
“They are, Dad, but I also learned what a special family I have! Now, let’s go home. I’m hungry!”§
