CHAPTER 1: POSITIVE SELF-CONCEPT
The Jealous Older Brother
If you asked Rakesh and Janaka, they would tell you, “Mondays are cool.” That’s the day everyone gathered for family home evening. The rest of the week was packed with individual activities, but on Monday they all shared the good things of their week, played games together and enjoyed each other’s company. Computers, cell phones and TV were dutifully turned off, and everyone met in the shrine room for puja and bhajans. Problem solving was strictly off limits, and no complaints were allowed. After bhajans, they moved to the living room, where snacks were served. This was a night for fun and good times. The family guru insisted that all his devotees hold this weekly gathering without fail, and the family had the good sense to obey him.§
One of Mom’s favorite things was telling stories about the boys when they were little. This was sometimes embarrassing for them, but it was a healthy reminder of how they were raised and what was expected of them. Several times she told the story of the new bike Rakesh got one year at Pancha Ganapati.§
“You wanted so badly to ride it that you quietly went downstairs early and rode it all around the living room. But you weren’t very good yet and crashed into the coffee table, breaking an expensive vase.” §
“Yes,” admitted Rakesh, “I remember that day. I was afraid I was going to get punished, but you were just worried I might have been hurt.”§
“It was a serious moment; you could have been cut or worse. We wanted you to know that you were more important to us than any vase.”§
She told other stories, too, of how Janaka always looked out for his little brother. Once he rescued him from an vicious dog, and another time found him when he had gotten lost on a camping trip. Mom never missed a chance to point out when they did well. It was all part of her desire for them to have a positive self-concept, something she found more challenging to do than she ever expected!§
When they were younger, both boys were naturally self-confident. Janaka felt himself the strong, older brother. Rakesh saw himself as the smart and adventurous type. But things changed between the boys when Rakesh entered seventh grade at the same school in which Janaka was in tenth. Rakesh was turning into a very good student, especially in math. Janaka also did well in school, English in particular, but he was weak in math, and that worried him.§
In December, at one family home evening, Janaka was in a bad mood and didn’t say anything all night. Dad and Mom let it go, not having a clue as to what the problem was, but thinking he would soon snap out of it.§
The next afternoon, Rakesh walked into Janaka’s room while he was studying and said, “Come on—you’ve done enough studying for one day. Let’s hang out!”§
Janaka didn’t look up. “You go. I have to finish this math assignment.”§
Rakesh strolled up and peered over his brother’s shoulder. “That’s not right! If you do that, you will get the answer wrong.”§
Suddenly Janaka became angry and raised his voice. “Don’t tell me how to do math! You’re only in seventh grade, I’m in tenth! Get out!” §
“Hey, hey, cool it! I was only trying to help.” But Rakesh could not help feeling hurt. As he slunk out of the room, he realized that lately it had become Janaka’s habit to bark at him. In fact, there were many occasions when he was outright nasty to him, such as last week in school.§
Rakesh had left his last class of the day and was searching for Janaka when he saw him standing with his friends. Rakesh walked up to him and said, “Janaka, I’m done. Let’s go!” One of Janaka’s friends shouted, “He can’t. He has to stay late to finish a math assignment.”§
Janaka blushed, “Why did you tell him that? He’s already stuck up. Now he will think he’s smarter than me because he never has to stay late.”§
Rakesh stared at Janaka. §
“Of course not. I never think I’m smarter than you!”§
But his words fell on deaf ears. Janaka barked coldly, “Get lost.”§
As Rakesh walked off, he heard Janaka’s friend asking, “What’s up with you, Janaka? The kid didn’t do anything.”§
The next evening Janaka made fun of Rakesh. Janaka heard him singing solo in the auditorium earlier that day, as he had been chosen to participate in the school play. At the dinner table, Janaka did an off-key imitation to mock the singing.§
Later that evening, Dad asked Mom, “What’s going on? Why is Janaka being mean to his little brother? They always get along so well.”§
Mom stood staring at a picture of the boys when they were much younger. “It may sound strange, but I think Janaka is jealous. You know how sharp Rakesh is in math, even mastering some advanced algebra that Janaka is struggling with. And then there’s this singing thing. Rakesh is really quite good; I’ve heard him practicing. Janaka doesn’t have the same talent.”§
“But,” Dad responded, “we always taught the boys to have confidence in themselves, that even if someone else was better at one thing, they shouldn’t feel inferior or bad because of it.”§
“I think that all worked fine when the age difference was more important and Janaka could always play the older brother. But Rakesh is not a little boy anymore; he’s catching up. Janaka doesn’t know how to handle their changing relationship.”§
The next day Dad suggested, in that fatherly way which gives little room for saying no, “Janaka, let’s go for a walk.” Janaka knew something was up, but he trusted his father, who was always kindly, even when the boys did something wrong. This didn’t prevent Janaka from being nervous.§
As they strolled by the botanical garden near their house, Dad asked casually, “Janaka, is there something wrong between you and Rakesh?”§
“I don’t want to talk about him,” Janaka snapped.§
“Why not?” replied Dad softly, ignoring Janaka’s mood.§
“I don’t like him. He shows off too much! With all his straight A’s and never having to stay back to complete his work, he thinks he has a superior brain. He doesn’t realize that he is only a seventh grader. Let him reach tenth grade, and then we will see who has a better mind.”§
Sitting down on a park bench, Dad turned toward Janaka. “I don’t get it. Why are you so insecure? You’re so good at English and art. What’s so upsetting about Rakesh being skilled at math?”§
“Insecure? Me??” Then he caught himself, and turned to gaze at a large pine tree across the path. “Maybe. I guess it irritates me that he copes so easily with his studies when I have to struggle to do well.”§
“Thank you for being honest. You know, son, when I was in eleventh grade I was the all-school champion in long-distance running. The next year a tenth grader came along who not only left me in the dust, he set a school record. I hated him for it. Really, I hated him. Then my father talked to me and explained that however good you are, someone, somewhere, will always be better. It’s just the way the world works. So, instead of being jealous of the boy, I made friends with him. We practiced together, made the school team strong and won regionals.”§
“You think I’m jealous of Rakesh because he’s so good in math?” It was a painful question.§
“It would be understandable. Every single person created by Lord Siva is blessed with some talent. Rakesh is good at math. But that does not make him the most intelligent person in the world, or even in your school. This year he may do well, next year somebody else could do better in math. You are good in art, but next year another student may come along who is even better. Are you going to feel threatened when that happens?”§
Janaka sat quietly, pondering his father’s words. He had been behaving badly, and he had to admit it, he was jealous. “I guess I have been mean to him. I need help after school, but if I go to a tutor, Rakesh will look down on me.”§
“Janaka, we’ve always tried to instill a positive self-concept in you and Rakesh. But you have found security in being the big brother helping out his little brother with everything. But now Rakesh is growing up fast, and look what has happened. So what if you need help? That shouldn’t cause you to become mean. I don’t think your brother looks down on you.”§
They left the park in silence. When they got home, Janaka went to the shrine room to meditate while Dad filled Mom in on the conversation. Already the entire home felt more peaceful.§
The next day after school, Rakesh was in his room when there was a soft knock on the door. “Can I come in?” asked Janaka.§
“Of course, no need to even ask. What’s up?”§
“I came to apologize for treating you badly these last few months. I was having so much trouble with math, and for you it is so easy. It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I got jealous of you.”§
Rakesh looked at his brother with surprise. “Jealous. Why would you be jealous of me? But I did wonder why you put me down in front of your friends. That was something new, and it did hurt.”§
“Sorry about that. And sorry about making fun of your singing. You are actually pretty good.”§
“You think? That’s nice to hear. I’m so nervous when I sing in front of people.” Rakesh smiled. “So, did Dad suggest you come and apologize?”§
“He didn’t have to. Both he and Mom were really concerned about how I have been treating you, and it took a while for me to see what I was doing. He did explain how everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you when someone else is better at something.”§
“That’s good to know because my math class has a fifth grader on a special program. She’s just awesome, best student in the class! Talk about embarrassing for the rest of us!”§
Janaka smiled. “So you know what I’m talking about, then. Anyway, I promise not to be mean to you again. I was really out of line.”§
“Sure, no problem. Forgiven and forgotten.”§
Mom watched as things went back to normal between the boys over the next few weeks. Family home evening was fun again for everyone. She even overheard Janaka bragging to one of his friends who had come over to visit about how smart his little brother is! Janaka took some remedial math classes after school and discovered that he had misunderstood some important lessons in last year’s math course, and that had left him unprepared for the new stuff he faced in tenth grade.§
As for Rakesh, he was happy to have his big brother back, the one he still looked up to as his friend and protector.§
